under the sakuras

by

poh chin (trying to see it from M's point of view)


are you my best friend? i asked my best friend. she responded "i guess so... are you mine?" ... SIGH. such is my very emotionally detached but very observant best friend. she's very different from me. so they say opposites attract. not that we are lesbians or anything. both are absolutely positively straight. she's not sensitive enough to survive as a lesbian. i am too much a romantic to be one.

anyway, her lack of emotional detachment also makes it a little bit difficult to confide in her. she'll probably analyse it and try to give me a solution (a very guy-ish side of her) and what i need is more of a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen to me and someone to be on my side... to agree that things are tough... to agree that life's not fair... to let me be weak... to take care of me... (this is probably where pc will say "you need a bf" and i suppose i don't mind one, though the idea of having one which remotely resembles the men in my family freaks me out totally!!)

just got back from japan. missed the hours i spent under the sakuras... in the parks... doing absolutely nothing. only in far far away places, far away from everybody who finds it so easy to depend on me... that i will be able to rest. really rest. do nothing. think nothing. and sleep!! yes, i am finally able to sleep... early too! and alot! love the carefree feeling... love finding myself. because that is what i am. a romantic carefree being who loves the idea of love.

back home... i feel lost. why? because i am not really me. i care, but it hurts to care. so i try not to care. but it also hurts not to care. so i feel lost. somebody will have to figure this out for me. why is it so difficult to not care for somebody who does not care for oneself?? why should anybody? but i do. why is it that i have to take care of someone who is suppose to take care of me? cause i care, i suppose. so the problem is because i care?

pc says

"you should care because that is you. you might end up hurt or disappointed if you care, but you'll be happy! (sounds unlikely, but i really think so).

if you don't care, you'll be unhappy with yourself for not caring, you'll be unhappy because is so not you, you'll be unhappy because you are failing to detach yourself, and on top of that because you fail to really not care, you'll still end up hurt or disappointed."


with best friends like those, who needs enemies really. she has a weird kinda logic. but it works. so i suppose i'll just care.

somebody get me out of this melancholy mood... please... ?